The field, long lain fallow through the cold
And bitter winters, shot all through with weeds
And packed-down places, newly has been sold
To better farmers, better hands to bleed
With labor’s loving wounds, the nights and days
Of pulling weeds and compost and manure,
Of plowing, sowing–all the work to raise
A crop, to make the later harvest sure.
The workers work, all knowing that although
They plant the seeds and pull the heavy stones
Away, they cannot make the fields grow;
They cannot give it life. But still, with silent groans
Of waiting, expectation, pain, and joy,
They ask the Lord His mercies to deploy.
The field, long lain fallow through the cold
1. Right now, it’s 27 minutes until the end of my 29th birthday. It’s been a good day.
2. It’s amazing what one person can carry around simultaneously: Joy, gratitude, silliness, envy, sadness, worry, anger, peace, stillness, confusion.
3. I have a friend who doesn’t believe dinosaurs existed…
4. I downloaded this app that is based on this idea of Jerry Seinfeld’s that every day you do a habit you’re trying to build, cross off a day on your calendar and then try not to break up the chain of crossed-out days. Apparently this works. I hope it does, anyway, or why’d I get this app?
5. First book finished in 2014: J.K. Rowling’s The Cuckoo’s Calling. Tightly plotted mystery (although she does this thing like she did in Harry Potter where there are all these subtle hints and then they’re all revealed at the end in a conversation with the bad guy). Lots of epigrams from Virgil.
6. Goals for the year: Write at least 10 minutes every day, fit back into my senior prom dress, run a 5k, try to spend sunset Saturday to sunset Sunday away from social media. So far I have failed at all of these, but new habits build slowly, right?
7. Oh, also, I want to start dressing up for work (both jobs) more often. I tend to dress like a college student, which isn’t good when you’re almost 30 and not in school…
8. On the other hand, my friends got me dinosaur finger puppets for my birthday, so…
Everything I read this year, in chronological order. An asterisk means it was a re-read. Stats and favorites at the end.
January 3: Jan Karon, At Home In Mitford
*January 7: Jeffrey Yamaguchi, 52 Projects
January 9: Louise Erdrich, The Round House
*January 31: N.T. Wright, Simply Christian
February 15: Kathleen Norris, Acedia & Me: A Marriage, Monks, and A Writer’s Life
February 25: Gillian Flynn, Gone Girl
February 27: Tim Keller and Katherine Leary Alsdorf, Every Good Endeavor
*February 28: Walter Wangerin, Jr., Jesus
March 9: Jan Karon, A Light In the Window
*March 15: J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone
March 16: Frances Hodgson Burnett, A Little Princess
*March 21: Frances Hodgson Burnett, The Secret Garden
April 5: C.S. Lewis, Letters to Malcolm: Chiefly on Prayer
April 25: C.S. Lewis, On Stories
May 1: Jan Karon, These High Green Hills
May 8: Kathleen Norris, Amazing Grace: A Vocabulary of Faith
May 12: F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby
May 13: C.S. Lewis, The World’s Last Night
May 23: Steig Larsson, The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo
May 27: C.S. Lewis, The Discarded Image
*June 7: Molly Wizenberg, A Homemade Life
June 15: D.A. Carson et al., Worship By the Book
*June 17: Lauren Winner, Mudhouse Sabbath
*June 24: Robert Farrar Capon, The Supper of the Lamb
*July 15: Leif Enger, Peace Like a River
July 17: Neil Gaiman, The Ocean At the End of the Lane
July 24: N.T. Wright, Simply Jesus
July 27: George Orwell, Nineteen Eighty-Four
*July 30: J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
*August 12: Daniel Coyle, The Little Book of Talent
August 18: Jen Hatmaker, 7
August 19: Leif Enger, So Brave, Young, and Handsome
*August 31: Lauren Winner, Girl Meets God
September 4: Steven Guthrie, Creator Spirit
*September 10: C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity
*September 27: C.S. Lewis, The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe
September 28: Neil Gaiman, Anansi Boys
*October 16: Lauren Winner, Still
*October 18: C.S. Lewis, Prince Caspian
November 16: Tim Keller, Walking With God Through Pain and Suffering
November 19: Mike Cosper, Rhythms of Grace
December 4: Jan Karon, A Common Life
December 9: Shauna Niequist, Cold Tangerines
*December 13: C.S. Lewis, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader
December 16: Rainbow Rowell, Eleanor & Park
December 20: Shauna Niequist, Bread & Wine
December 25: Russ Ramsey, Behold the Lamb of God
December 28: Shauna Niequist, Bittersweet
books read: 48 (not quite 50 like I wanted, but things became a little busier this year)
fiction: 21 (still a little surprised that I don’t read as much fiction as I used to)
most-read author: C.S. Lewis, by a long shot, with 8.
top 10: In no particular order: Acedia & Me, Letters to Malcolm: Chiefly on Prayer, Gone Girl, So Brave, Young, and Handsome, Bread & Wine, The Discarded Image, Rhythms of Grace, Anansi Boys, Creator Spirit, and 7.
So this December has not been great–I was out sick for a good deal of it, it kind of snuck up on me, and so I spent most of it either feeling terrible or being stressed out about holiday prep. Throw in not meeting with my community group or my prayer group and missing church one Sunday, and it has not been a good season for me. I’ve been dry spiritually; I’ve been irritable and self-pitying and unfocused. The Christmas spirit was, shall we say, lacking.
This is the nice thing about the liturgical tradition: It’s still Christmas until the 6th. We have 12 days to celebrate that God is with us in the person of Christ, by His Spirit–that He is with us despite our not being ready for Him, despite our broken state, that He is with us precisely because He loves us and He knows that’s when He needs to be with us most.
This year, against all the pulls of the culture I live in, I’m trying to steep in Christmas a little longer. Twelve days still doesn’t feel like long enough to remember that my true love gave, and He gives and keeps giving in spite of me.
1. I’ve been down for the count for the past week with two ear infections, a sinus infection, bronchitis, and the flu, which has been just delightful, as you can probably tell. If I don’t leave my house soon, I’m going to give up and become a cat lady. At the moment I feel mostly fine, except for the cough, so hopefully I get to go to work again in the next couple of days…
2. I like this author named John Green. John and his brother have a YouTube channel together that’s the result of an experiment that they did six years ago (they only communicated in person or in YouTube videos for a year), and that YouTube channel has collected a substantial community of folks around the world. That community does a thing every year called Project For Awesome where people make videos about charities and then everyone votes for their favorites, and the top 10 charities get money donated to them. Not a bad plan, and it’s going until tomorrow. Check out the website.
3. Weirdly comforting thought: Jesus probably got colds.
4. Some other ladies and I from church have been meeting on Tuesday mornings to keep each other accountable and encourage one another and pray with and for each other, which has been really, really cool. One of the nice side effects of this has been getting texts from them almost every day with what’s been going on; they were women I’d been wanting to get to know better, and this has been a really good way to do so.
5. Downside to lots of married friends: Lots of baby gifts to obtain. Upside: Lots of babies.
6. Not Catholic by a long shot, but I do like Pope Francis a great deal. I kind of just want to sit him down and have coffee and pick his brain.
7. Advent is maybe my favorite season of the church year, mostly because I’ve always ached for Jesus to come back.
8. One of these days I should make an Advent wreath for the house…
9. I’ve had this stuck in my head for a week or so:
10. Oh! I haven’t listened to Andrew Peterson’s Behold the Lamb of God album all the way through yet this year. No wonder it hasn’t felt properly Christmasy yet this year. Time to remedy that…
11. This is weird: It doesn’t matter what else is happening, but if someone even mentions a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, I will want one immediately. I don’t know what weird Pavolvian reaction that is, but there it is.
12. I literally have no idea what else to write. So I guess that means this is the end…
I woke up and got to work on time this morning. I have a warm house. I can wear whatever I want to my job. My coworkers are kind and joyful lunatics. My boss let me stay an extra hour to get some stuff done (and a little extra cash). New merchandise. A friendly mailman.
The sun comes up, it’s a new day dawning
It’s time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes
Robitussin. Books. Coffee. Doctor Who. The songs of ascent. Podcasts. Ruggles Green. Allergy meds. Tea. Magazines. A working phone. Netflix. The Book of Common Prayer. Knitted lace. Cold weather.
You’re rich in love and You’re slow to anger
Your name is great and Your heart is kind
Cellos. New guitar strings. Good-quality inexpensive headphones. The Macy’s parade. Our country’s mythologies, for better or for worse. The mothers and fathers of my faith. Twitter. Access to information. Literacy. Handel’s Messiah.
For all Your goodness I will keep on singing
Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find
A church where I can serve and love. Its people, who have loved me continually. The body of Christ witnessing faithfully around the world and throughout time. That God still speaks by His Spirit–and that by the same Spirit I can speak to Him. That Jesus didn’t look at me and refuse to help, but that He loved me despite my bad record. “No guilt in life, no fear in death.”
Bless the Lord, O my soul, O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before, O my soul
Worship His holy name
Happy Thanksgiving. Find your 10,000 reasons today.
1. Know this, friends: I have no harsher critic than my own heart.
2. “But if our hearts condemn us, God is greater than our hearts, and He knows everything.”
3. So I’ve been part-time administrative assistant for my church for about two months now. It’s good work. My pastor keeps apologizing for giving me mundane things to do, but I love that kind of stuff. Hey, someone needs to.
4. One of the things I’m having trouble doing these days, though, is letting myself rest and take Sabbath. I have a hard time saying “no” to people, especially people I feel responsible for/to.
5. I think this is all indicative that I am far too concerned with what other people think of me, and I try to impress them with how hard-working/smart/serving/pious/generally awesome I am. This is a problem.
6. I think I need to let go of some things in my life. Also hard.
7. Friends! Are we not servants of the Most High God? Are we not sons and daughters of the Lord of hosts? Ought we not comport ourselves as members of His household?
8. (I have been considering a lot of medieval literature lately. Go figure.)
9. I’ve been doing some research about Korean culture, especially names, and it turns out my Korean name is considered old-fashioned or countrified by people now–it’s a grandma name, or something like that. So I had the equivalent of, like, Martha or Myrtle or something, which as a strange Westerner I kind of like.
10. My family–both the American and the Korean ones–have all been farm people or small-town people. I come of country folk. And then there is me, the incurable city girl. Go figure.
11. I am considering poetry for Advent through Lent, based on a group of psalms (113-118 and 120-134, the hallels and the songs of ascent). Should be interesting.
12. I thought about doing NaNoWriMo, but as the kids say, ain’t nobody got time for that.
13. On the other hand, I miss writing; I get some done for church with writing some of the liturgy twice a month, and I wrote a song(!) a while back, but not in the way that I’d like. You have to make time, though, and God knows how bad I am at that.
14. One of my small hopes for heaven: Getting to introduce my Korean and American families to one another.
15. The Doctor Who 50th anniversary is on the 23rd. Get excited. Here’s a trailer.
16. One more reason I love my church: The significant percentage of members who are Whovians. Oh yes.
17. The current themes of my life: I have so much to do; there are so many pregnant women at my church; my Half-Price coworkers are crazy and they are great; I am a train wreck; I belong to Jesus; God is continually faithful even when I am not. That works, I suppose.
18. So I just got the new Civil Wars album and good grief, it’s so good and it makes me want them to get back together so badly. John Paul White’s voice makes me swoon.
19. Speaking of swooning, I have developed a small crush on Tom Hiddleston. Not because of Thor (I haven’t seen it), but I watched him do some Shakespeare(!) and heard an interview, and gosh his voice is sexy.
20. I mean, if a tall, redheaded Brit ever showed up at something I was at and he loved Jesus and had a pretty stable life and a good sense of humor (humour?), I call dibs. Sorry, lady friends.
21. Trader Joe’s sells these ginger-flavored Altoid-like lozenges and they are WONDERFUL. They have the unintentional effect of making me want a ginger beer, though.
22. Advent is coming. I’m very excited about this. We do this great arrangement of “Come, Thou Long-Expected Jesus” that’s one of my favorite things we do musically.
23. Oh, so we’re doing a great song at church called “Not In Me” that’s based on Luke 18 and imagines what it would sound like if the Pharisee also came to repentance. For recovering Pharisees like myself, it’s a pretty good theme song:
24. Oh, let me be content and let me be Yours completely…
25. Finally: I wrote some lyrics. I like writing lyrics. However, I am terrible at writing music. And these lyrics could use some music. Not that a lot of you do this, I’m guessing, but if you’re a songwriter and you don’t mind writing for other people, let me know in the comments, and I’ll send you the lyrics. When you’re done, send it to me or link to your YouTube video of it or put it on Bandcamp or Soundcloud or something; I’ll post them all here and put it to a vote. You’ll get a worthwhile prize of some sort, to be decided by me later. Deadline is December 1!
(Part one is here.)
1. Doctor Who and all things related.
2. Nearly anything and everything John and Hank Green do, at least on the Internet. (John Green wrote, among other things, The Fault In Our Stars, which is great. Hank is his brother. They make and produce a lot of web series.)
3. Martin Freeman’s impression of Gollum. It does not matter how many times I watch that; it makes me giggle every single time.
4. The movie Across the Universe and all of Julie Taymor’s weird Beatles fangirling.
5. The fact that there is a regular at the store where I work that looks almost exactly like Ian in High Fidelity, and that I can turn to one of my coworkers and whisper, “GET YOUR PATCHOULI STINK OUT OF MY STORE” whenever he passes by. (He’s actually a pretty decent guy. Does not smell like patchouli.)
6. Christopher Scott’s routines on So You Think You Can Dance. (Emmy-nominated example here.)
7. Neil Patrick Harris’ opening numbers at the Tonys.
8. This quiz on Sporcle.
9. The Periodic Table of Muppets.
10. All the random musical numbers on Jimmy Fallon.
10. John Coltrane, A Love Supreme.
11. “Slow Dancing In a Burning Room”.
12. Pentatonix, “Dog Days Are Over”.
13. Pentatonix’s Kevin Olusola beatboxes and plays cello at the same time.
14. Punch Brothers cover Radiohead.
15. Whenever Bobcat Goldthwait is on Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me!
16. Whenever Scottish people are on Craig Ferguson (he and Ewan Macgregor have a particularly good time, it seems).
17. Also, whenever Doctor Who actors are on Craig Ferguson.
18. The little short films before Pixar movies. (My favorites so far are La Luna and Night and Day.)
19. Alton Brown’s podcast.
20. The Joss Whedon-directed Much Ado About Nothing and everyone involved, but especially Nathan Fillion as Dogberry.
21. Also, the Kenneth Branagh-directed Much Ado About Nothing and (almost) everyone involved. (Seriously, why is Keanu Reeves even in that movie?)
22. The production of Hamlet that the BBC filmed starring David Tennant and Patrick Stewart, which contains THE best version of the “To be or not to be” soliloquy, in my opinion. It’s the only version I’ve seen where I’ve thought re: the actor: “He gets it.”
23. Shakespeare movies, apparently. (Though not all.)
24. C.S. Lewis’s essays defending genre fiction.
25. The webcomic Unshelved.
26. Christian band MercyMe has this thing they do on their YouTube channel called Cover Tune Grab Bag–my favorites are “Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da” and “Baby”.
27. The fact that a) Hanson still makes music (and it’s pretty good, actually) and b) also recently put out their own brand of beer called–and I cannot make this up–Mmm Hops. Yep.
28. God help me, but “Thrift Shop”. (Although “Can’t Hold Us” is also ridiculously good.)
29. Stephen Colbert (and friends) dancing to “Get Lucky”.
30. Related: Stephen Colbert, Jon Cryer (i.e., Duckie from Pretty In Pink), Jim Walton, and Neil Patrick Harris perform “Sorry/Grateful” from Company.
31. Patty Griffin sounds more and more like Emmylou Harris the older she gets and this is in no way a bad thing.
32. OK GO music videos.
33. Tripping Out With Alie and Georgia on the Cooking Channel. So great. It’s like if a few of my friends and I went on a trip together and we all had Anthropologie wardrobes.
34. I have recently discovered Top Gear and “Star in a Moderately-Priced Car” is my new favorite thing.
35. The fandom blends at Adagio Teas.
36. Not proud of this, but effing Candy Crush.
37. Mayim Bialik (i.e., Blossom) and Danica Patrick (i.e., Winnie Cooper) have advanced degrees in neurobiology and mathematics, respectively. (Danica Patrick even has a theorem named after her.)
38. Do y’all know about James Nesbitt? He’s an Irish actor and has been in some stuff like the BBC series Jekyll and a small indie movie called The Hobbit (he’s the dwarf with the earflap hat). He is rad. Check him out. Also, if they ever make a film of C.S. Lewis’s That Hideous Strength, I nominate him for MacPhee.
39. J.J. Abrams’ rebooted Star Trek movies.
40. Speaking of, this blooper from the first Star Trek movie is hilarious. (“NO SPOCK!” “Fascinatin’…”)
41. A TV show that was on FX in 2010 called Terriers–two private investigators who are friends, one’s an ex-cop, one’s an ex-thief, yada yada, but what makes it such a great show are the writing and the actors. It’s on Netflix. Go watch it.
42. That scene in Elizabethtown when they show the fire safety video to the kids.
43. “Blunt the knives, bend the forks…” (I will never not love this, because I am a giant nerd.)
44. The best movie lines that never get into those best movie line lists. Some very not-safe-for-work-or-kids language, but still great.
45. Seriously, I know I’ve mentioned it before, but if you haven’t seen The Philadelphia Story, GO WATCH IT.
46. Pulp Shakespeare. (“We should have broadswords for deeds such as these.”)
47. ’20s and ’30s jazz music.
48. Will Shortz’s puzzles on Weekend Edition.
49. Did y’all see that show Awake on NBC? If not, it’s also on Netflix. It stars Jason Isaacs, i.e. Lucius Malfoy. Amazing. (Also, it has in common with Terriers the fact of its being cancelled after one season, and the excellent actress Laura Allen.)
50. Everything J.K. Rowling says happens to the characters after the Harry Potter books end. Everything.
51. The BBC Proms!
52. The rather obscure U2 song “The Ground Beneath Her Feet”. Lyrics by Salman Rushdie, of all people.
53. Billy Bragg and Wilco’s Mermaid Avenue.
54. Kishi Bashi, “Bright Whites”.
55. The Motown version of “How You Remind Me”.
56. I mean, I love Christian Bale as Batman and all, but I’m honestly kind of intrigued by the idea of Ben Affleck in that role.
57. In Anne Hathaway’s performance of “I Dreamed a Dream” in the Les Mis movie, the line “As they turn your dreams to shame” kills me every single time, because she turns the word “shame” into a cry of lament instead of just singing the notes.
58. Peter Jackson’s behind-the-scenes video blogs.
59. Troy and Abed’s little skits during the credits on Community.
60. Movie trailers.
61. The Vitamin String Quartet–when they’re bad, they’re pretty bad, but when they’re good, they’re very good. Their cover of “In Your Eyes” is great.
62. Bela Fleck’s cover of Bach’s Prelude from Suite for Unaccompanied Cello. (Yes, on the banjo.)
63. So I read The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo and it’s crazy-disturbing, but pretty good. It kept my attention, anyway.
64. Fr. Thomas Mackenzie’s One-Minute Reviews at the Rabbit Room.
65. A three-year-old kid recites Lord Tennyson’s “The Eagle”.
66. If I ever get married, at some point during the reception, there needs to be a Soul Train line.
67. The fact that right after that video asking what the fox says came out, Popular Science came out with an article about what noises foxes actually make.
68. The Sunday Routine column in the New York Times.
69. Related: Daily routines of artists and writers and other creative types.
70. And, um, the Morning Routine articles at Bon Appetit.
71. The Price is Right.
72. Have you guys seen Celebrity Game Night? It is great.
73. The Twitter feed of Broadway composer/performer Lin-Manuel Miranda, which recently featured a series of tweets about how the Internet is like summer camp. For example: “The internet is summer camp and Yahoo! Answers is the under-qualified nurse’s office. #icepack? #gargle? #isthishelpful?” He has also done Q&A sessions during which he only answers using lyrics from musicals. Stellar.
74. We have these mugs at the store where I work that have the cover art for Joshua Tree on them and I kind of want one.
75. Looping machines.
76. The ’90s hip-hop station on Pandora.
77. There’s an episode of All Songs Considered (one of NPR’s music podcasts) where they just cover ’90s music, and I have listened to it twice already and am thinking about just keeping it on a flash drive or something.
78. The music video for Bob Dylan’s cover of “It Must Be Santa”. It’s so random and weird and out of character for him, but that’s why I love it.
79. John Green’s aforementioned novel The Fault In Our Stars. And I am going to just assume that I’ll love the movie, too.
80. But actually, my favorite John Green book is An Abundance of Katherines, mostly because it has footnotes.
81. The Roots and Elvis Costello made an album together called Wise Up Ghost and I love it. And I’m not even a huge Elvis Costello fan.
82. Kindle Daily Deals.
83. I had a thought the other day that Alan Rickman would’ve been a better Javert in Les Miserables–I mean, he’s got the acting chops, and he already established that he can sing in Sweeney Todd. Plugging his voice into the song “Stars” in my imagination makes me happy, although it probably won’t ever happen in reality…
84. Arthur Darvill is currently starring on Broadway in a musical based on one of my favorite movies, Once, in a role that was originated by Glen Hansard, one of my favorite musicians, and basically my head is exploding. Also, Arthur’s in a band called Edmund that sounds really great and I wish I could get hold of their music somehow.
85. Orlando Bloom and Condola Rashad (daughter of Phylicia, i.e. Claire Huxtable) are doing the title roles in Romeo and Juliet on Broadway right now, too.
86. Oh, and Sir Ian McKellen and Sir Patrick Stewart and Billy Crudup and Shuler Hensley are all doing two plays together in New York this fall. No big deal. (Basically, I just want to be in New York right now.)
87. Mental Floss, the trivia magazine, has a YouTube channel and they do these amazing list shows with none other than the multiple-aforementioned John Green.
88. Zen Pencils is a much-linked webcomic that illustrates quotes from famous people.
89. “Moses” from Singin’ In the Rain doesn’t make everything better, but it sure makes a heck of a lot of things better. (Completely underrated: The performance of the guy playing the elocution teacher. His reactions are so great.)
90. The Lone Bellow and Over the Rhine cover Paul Simon’s “Slip Slidin’ Away”. (If you have not heard of those two bands, I am sorry I have failed you by not insisting you listen to them.)
91. I’ve recently discovered Neil Gaiman through his excellent novel The Ocean at the End of the Lane and a couple of Doctor Who episodes he wrote.
92. Also, Stephen King? Amazing. Looking forward to Doctor Sleep.
93. I know I’ve already given a Jimmy Fallon shout-out, but there’s a video of him and The Roots and a bunch of Sesame Street characters together that is the happiest thing you will ever see online. (Watch Questlove and Murray in the top left during the very beginning.)
94. Speaking of The Roots, their station on Pandora is excellent running music.
95. Peter Capaldi–ever since he was announced as the twelfth Doctor, I’ve looked up his other work, and friends, he can act.
96. NPR’s blog about race and culture made a taxonomy of bros.
97. Glen Weldon of NPR’s Pop Culture Happy Hour has been tweeting the past week or so with the hashtag #duringthegovernmentshutdown2piginthecity and it is so bizarre and weird and funny what he’s been coming up with.
98. Great Performances on PBS.
99. There is a Sound of Music pop-up book. You’re welcome.
100. For a while on the New York Times Bestseller List, there was a book entitled William Shakespeare’s Star Wars. R2-D2′s dialogue is done in iambic pentametric beeps. Not kidding. (See also: Two Gentlemen of Lebowski.)
Right now, you are untested hypotheses,
Question marks left hanging at the ends of
Sentences in my body’s unanswered prayers.
Or perhaps you are some other woman’s
Future anxiety, her unresolved ellipses,
Her worried hope, and my
Joyful exclamation. Or, and
I hesitate to speak it lest it be so,
You may be impossibilities, erased
Words out of the next blank pages
Of my story. I do not, cannot, will not
Know until my plot thread catches
Up with the Writer’s scribblings.
Until then, my darlings, we wait.
1. Beginning to let go of my long embrace of a darkness that I used to love because I thought it made me holy, instead of seeing that it made me both miserable and unloving.
2. For a brief moment in time I thought about being a midwife, but then decided I didn’t want to deal with medical things, especially when it came to the bringing forth of a life. These days, I want to be a counselor, which I guess involves a weird midwifery of the soul–the healing of lives is sometimes gentle, sometimes violent, often pretty painful. It took a large team to help fix me.
3. Some days I wonder whether or not I’ll ever get married, and if I get married if I’ll ever have kids (I have some health things that make that a question), or if I should adopt. Sometimes I listen to the voice that says, “Who would want you?” And then sometimes I remember, and answer, “Jesus does. The people that love me despite my sin do.”
4. From the sermon this morning, a line that cut me to the heart: “Love does not fear the lack of reciprocation.” Why? Because it already has found its fulfillment in a greater love. I want to love like this.
5. And I look sometimes at my love and how shallow and closed-minded it is, but also at how much bigger it is than it used to because, because it’s a little bit braver. Take courage, Christian, you will one day shine like the stars.
6. I’ve been thinking about the sea, thanks to last night’s devotion, and how the sea is often used as a metaphor for chaos and destruction, and how Jesus drowned in that sea in order to pull us up out of it. The writer of Psalm 69 says that the waters have come up to his neck, and that’s often true. But because of Jesus, we will not drown in them. The waves will not overcome us; the sea of chaos will one day be replaced with the glory of the Lord.
7. That’s all I have. Good night.