Post #40: The Wonderful Wizard of Odd
Any of you who’ve known me for any length of time will know that three years ago, when I was a freshman, I started writing this play, called The Wonderful Wizard of Odd. It took up most of my time that year…it was a mild obsession, you could say. I eventually had to quit writing it because it sort of degenerated into random nothingness…all I have left is the first scene (although I do sort of remember this one scene I wrote that I lost–the “wizard” fixes a toaster that wasn’t broken, which was funny.)
Zach and I were talking about this earlier today…he said he’d help me finish it. (I might just take you up on that offer…)
Anyway, now for your reading enjoyment…
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The Wonderful Wizard of Odd
Narrator: the easily reliable storyteller
Monika: a farm girl from the backwoods of Texas
Birdies (both guys and girls): cheerful yet somewhat confused bluebirds
Monika�s Aunt & Uncle: a farmer and his wife
Toto (male): Monika�s puppy dog
The Hurricane: the psychotic storm who transports Monika and Toto to Odd
felicicity the funky fary of Fozznot: the lady in charge
Munchkins (really tall football player types), Sally�s sidekicks
Irene the Beetle, the slightly squishable yet faithful guide
Jimmy the scarecrow, the lovable fellow with a slight lack of brains
Aluminum Man, Odd�s resident misanthropist
Trudy the Cowardly Lioness, basically a big kitty cat
The Wicked Wizard, the evil wizard who�s unlawfully taken over Odd
The Wizard of Odd, the real guy in charge
The Wizard�s Interpreter, also the Wizard�s wife and friend
(Spotlights on Narrator, Monika and Toto, and the aunt and uncle, who are in different places in the aisles. �Star Wars� theme starts playing. )
Narrator: A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away� (music suddenly cuts off)
Voice (offstage): Wrong script, Norm.
Narrator (turns page of his script): Oh! Sorry. Once there was a girl named Monika who lived in Texas.
Monika (singing): �Somewhere over the rainbow�� (Spotlight upstage center on cardboard rainbow. Birdies come out and fly around cardboard rainbow) (Monika clears throat) �Somewhere over the rainbow�� (Birdies fly�or rather, run around and flap their arms–into rainbow, bump their heads on it, and face audience while rubbing foreheads. Monika shakes head and tries again.) �Somewhere over the rainbow�� (Birdies fly under rainbow.) (Exasperated.) OK, guys, one more time. �Somewhere over the rainbow�� (Birdies nod excitedly, finally getting it. They leap over the rainbow, knocking it down and racing off stage. Monika throws up her hands in exasperation.)
Narrator: Well, like I said, there once was a girl named Monika who lived in Texas. She lived with her aunt and uncle in the country.
Uncle (slow, backwoods-ish drawl): Howdy.
Narrator: She had a little puppy named Toto�
Toto (waves) : Hello, everybody.
Monika (to Toto, surprised): Toto, I didn�t know you could talk!
Toto: This is a fictional play! I can do anything!
Toto: Well�anything the director lets me do.
Voice (off stage): You�d better believe it, kid!
Monika: The director?
Toto: Yep. (makes a face) The director.
Narrator: Excuse me�we�re trying to do a play here, remember?
Monika: Oh, sorry, mister.
Toto: Yeah, sorry.
Narrator: Thank you. Now one summer a big hurricane came through the town where she lived�(spotlight on hurricane, also in the aisle)
(Hurricane gives an evil, psychotic laugh)
Aunt: Slim, you�d better bring them sheets in off the line.
Narrator: Monika was scared but she didn�t know what to do. But all of a sudden, the hurricane started coming after her and the little dog.
Toto (to Narrator): Hey, who are you calling little?
(Hurricane, laughing evilly, runs Monika & Toto all through the aisles; both M & T scream)
Narrator: The hurricane swept the two of them up�(hurricane picks Monika, then Toto up, carries them onto stage) and they were caught up in the winds. They couldn�t see anything until the hurricane let them go. (lights up on stage. wicked wizard is standing on the left of the stage. hurricane drops M&T with a thud, picks up wizard, then runs off right laughing evilly. )
Toto (sprawled out on floor): Where am I? Who am I? What am I?
(both sit up and look around)
Monika: Toto�I have a feeling we�re not in Texas anymore.
(Munchkins and silly sorceress come out cheering)
Toto: And you were right�unless we�re at Mardi Gras.
Sorceress: You have delivered us!
Sorceress: You brought that wind and swept away the Wicked Wizard of the West with it!
Monika: But I didn�t�
Sorceress (interrupting): We are grateful to you. But undoubtedly he�ll be back� (sees shoes) Oh, look, he left his shoes here.
Monika (she and Toto stand to their feet): Um, excuse me, ma�am�
Monika: My name�s Monika, and this is my dog Toto. We didn�t bring that wind here, in fact the wind brought us here. Now, who are you, and where are we?
Sorceress: Why, I�m Sally, the Silly Sorceress of the South�now say that ten times fast. (Monika does and totally botches it.) That�s OK, I can�t find anyone who can do that. And you�re in the land of Odd, among the munchkin people.
Monika: Odd? Never heard of anywhere called Odd. Maybe if I�d taken better notes in geography or something�wait, those guys are munchkins? They�re taller than I am!
Sorceress: You�re in Odd now, honey. Everything�s just strange here. Get over it. I�ve been here all my life and I still can�t figure anything out.
Monika: Well, anyway, who on earth is this wicked wizard guy?
Sorceress: Ah, you see, the wizard has oppressed us for years and years and years and years and years�
Monika: I get the point.
Sorceress: Sorry. Well, he�s cast evil spells on us�
Monika (scared): Like what?
Sorceress: Like one time I was almost changed into a Chia pet.
Monika: That�s the worst of it? That�s not that bad.
Sorceress: It is if the wizard has a goat in his backyard that EATS Chia pets.
Monika: Ooooh, good point.
Sorceress: And it�s also been proven that no one comes out of his castle alive.
Toto: I do not want to know how you proved that.
Sorceress: You�re right, you don�t want to know. Anyway, you�ve chased the wizard away for now, but he�s probably gotten away from that wind and returned to his castle. He�ll be after you sooner or later.
Monika: So what do I do now? How am I supposed to get home?
Sorceress: Why, go the wizard, of course.
Sorceress: The wizard. The wonderful wizard of Odd! (�Mission Impossible� music starts playing.�) Your mission�should you choose to accept it�is to follow this road�
Monika: This funky looking green one?
Sorceress: Yes! This road, the green play-dough road. Take these shoes (picks up wizard’s shoes and gives them to Monika).
Toto: These funky looking green ones?
Sorceress: Yes! These shoes, the wicked wizard�s emerald basketball shoes. Click your heels three times�
Monika: And it�ll get us home, right?
Sorceress: No, but they�ll cause a mild explosion. It won�t harm you, but it�ll prove quite useful. Oh, and take the beetle.
Monika: What beetle?
Sorceress: The funky looking green one. (Irene the beetle stomps angrily on to stage. Music dies)
Irene: I�m offended by that! I�m not green�I�m lime-colored!!!! (stomp on “lime”)
Sorceress: And this slightly squishable insect will self-destruct in five minutes.
Monika (makes a face): Ewwww, bad mental picture.
Toto: Oh, gee thanks, now you’ve gotten me thinking about it.
Sorceress: Aw, come on, you know I’m just playing with you. Kids, this is Irene the beetle. Irene, Monika and Toto.
Irene: OK, nice to meet you.
Toto: You know what dogs do to beetles?
Toto: We eat beetles if we get hungry enough.
Toto: Heh-heh. Just kidding.
Irene (teasing him): Uh-huh. Yeah. Sure.
Sorceress: OK, now that we�re done introducing ourselves�(to M & T) Irene�s gonna be your guide in Odd. She�s been here a while and knows everything about these parts.
Irene: Including why no one comes out of the Wicked Wizard�s castle alive. I still have nightmares about that.
Monika: I�ll bet.
Sorceress: So, now that you�re prepared�I guess you�re off to the see the Wizard.
All: The wonderful wizard of Odd!
(Monika, Toto, and Irene skip off left, Munchkins and Sorceress wave goodbye. Spotlight on Narrator, downstage right.)
Narrator: So the group went on their merry little way. Though they�d only just met, they acted like they�d been friends forever. Soon, however, their trio would become a quartet�
(Full lights up on stage. Jimmy, a scarecrow, is standing extremely still upstage left, arms stretched out at his sides with his hands flopping down, like, well, a scarecrow.)
Irene: Hey, there�s Jimmy.
Irene: Yeah, Jimmy. The scarecrow.
Monika: You people give scarecrows names?
Irene: No, not really. This is going to sound crazy, but�he named himself.
Toto: Right. The scarecrow named himself. I guess the next thing you�re gonna say is that he can swing dance.
Irene: Well�he can fox trot pretty well�
Toto (throws up hands): I give up. This place is too weird.
Irene: No, it�s Odd. Too Weird is a couple hundred miles south of here. (Toto smacks himself in the forehead). Well, anyway, it looks like he�s busy right now, but let me go see if I can get him to join us. (walks up to Jimmy) Jimmy�hey, Jimmy�yo, Jimmy! It�s me, Irene! (doesn�t work, Irene thinks a little bit) (yells at him) HEY, JIMMY!!!
Jimmy (startled): Hey, you shouldn�t scare a guy like that!
Irene: Sorry, man, but it�s the only way I could get your attention. Hey, we�re going to see the wizard today.
Jimmy: What wizard?
Irene: Come on, Jimmy, you know. The wizard. The guy who lives out in Rubytown who can give you some sense.
Monika and Toto (simultaneously to each other): Rubytown?
Irene (slightly exasperated): Yeah, Rubytown. That really big city at the end of this road where there�s cars and stores and stuff and where the wizard lives.
Jimmy: Oh! Right! Rubytown!
Irene: Hey, come here, let me introduce you to some people.
Irene: Jimmy, this is Monika and Toto. They got here in Odd by accident from their own country and I�m taking them to the Wizard to see if they can get home.
Jimmy: Hi. I�m Jimmy.
Monika: Nice to meet you, Jimmy.
Irene: Jimmy�s our resident scarecrow, and he�s one of the nicest folks around here. He does have a mild problem, though�
Jimmy: I don�t got no brains.
Toto: Not to mention a knowledge of good grammar� (Jimmy starts scratching his head, confused)
Irene: Right. And he�s been needing to get to the Wizard for�oh, a long time now, but he keeps forgetting who the wizard is. So, since we�re off in that direction anyway, I figured I�d come pick him up while we were at it.
Jimmy: Can we go now? All this straw stuffed in my sleeves is starting to make me itchy.
Irene: Uh, Jimmy? You�re a scarecrow. You�re made out of straw, remember? You�re not supposed to be itchy.
Jimmy: Oh! Right!
Toto (to Monika): Why do I have the feeling this is going to be a loooong trip? (She hits him playfully on the arm.) Ow! (Monika shakes her head and laughs while she catches up with Jimmy and Irene, Toto runs after her) Hey, wait for me!
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I just realized I’ve been putting up a lot of really long posts. I’ll try to stop doing that.