i should totally not be posting this late at night

…but i have a lot of caffeine in my system, and working all overnights last week have screwed up my circadian rhythms beyond belief. Hi, everyone.

I am just beginning to realize that when I get crushes on guys, I am very rarely in love with the person himself; I tend to love the idea of him, to love him in the abstract, like Kathleen Kelly loves ny152 as opposed to Joe Fox. It’s very rare that I actually want to get with a flesh-and-blood human being, the idea with skin and all its messiness on. I want to love the person, body and soul, and not just my idealization of him. On the miraculous occasion that it happens, it actually freaks me out, because it means, by some other kind of miracle, that someone can love the flesh-and-blood me, too, not just some abstraction of me. I want a relationship–well, all my relationships, not just the romantic–to have some guts to them. Love makes you bleed, but it is worth it, I think.

I have the beginnings of a poem kicking around in my head. Might post it here, might not. Depends on how good it is, I suppose.

That’s it. Good night, all.

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One thought on “i should totally not be posting this late at night

  1. You + me = like this (crossing fingers)

    I had my first real flesh-and-blood crush last year. You’d think I’d have one before the age of 20, but so it is. Very little came of it, but I felt a coming-of-age in my own thinking. You put it better than I could.

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