vision over visibility.

At the moment of surrender
I folded to my knees
I did not notice the passers-by
And they did not notice me

Hello, everyone. How’s it going? I’m back. I’ve been back for a few weeks (see the below posts, a poetry cycle i’m sort of hashing out), but this is my official “okay, hiatus over” post, I suppose. In the interim, I got back in the Twitterverse on Easter, deleted my Facebook and MySpace accounts, and have been pondering some things. I missed y’all. I think i have some good things that might be coming through the pipe soon.

I was listening to the new U2 album a lot, especially this song “Moment of Surrender”. It feels a lot like their new “Bad” in a lot of ways–Bono wrote it about a junkie and yells the vocals from his gut, it has that big bold sweeping sound, and somehow it resonates in a strange place in my heart. Not sure why. But it’s pretty incredible.

No Line on the Horizon has made me fall in love with U2 again. I mean, I liked and listened to them anyway, but this album lights up all the right happy places in my brain. I even like “Get On Your Boots”, honestly. They’ve got a good thing going. Steph and my roommate and her friend are going up to the show in Dallas this fall–it’s going to be epic.

i’ve been in every black hole
at the altar of the dark star
my body’s now a begging bowl
that’s begging to get back to my heart

This Lent and Easter season I’ve been thinking about my idols–I bow down to pleasure and food and relationships and knowledge (the last of which is especially dangerous in the academy). I’ve realized that I’ve got to get my desires rightly ordered, that while those things are all good, they have to be subordinate to a desire to know God. And I can’t do these things all alone. I have to have grace spoken into me through the Word, through the Church, through the means of grace God has provided me. Quite honestly, that’s hard for me. It’s hard for me to open up to grace, because I am so afraid of it. Crazy, huh? But it’s the truth.

I was speeding on the subway
Through the stations of the cross
Every eye looking every other way
Counting down till the pain would stop

This is my last week of class for the semester. I’m trying to finish out strong. It’ll take a good lot of work on my part, but if I can get there, I think it’ll be worth it. It’s just easy for me to get distracted by so many other things (like blog posts…) that I don’t always get done what I need to get done. This is a problem.

It’s painful, this getting to know God, tearing down our idols that we’ve built, getting crucified and born again, throwing off everything that hinders. I catch myself counting down the days until either I go or Jesus comes back, waiting for the day when my fight will be over. But that’s not how it works; I can’t just sit around and wait. I’ve got to get in there and keep hacking away at it, no matter how uncomfortable it is to do so. Perseverance is key.

And for me to persevere, I have to surrender all my desire for control and for an easy life. I have to fold to my knees and pray to see what my eyes can’t see. May it be.

At the moment of surrender
Of vision over visibility
I did not notice the passers-by
And they did not notice me

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