i whip my hair back and forth.

1. Actually, no, I don’t, as it’s too short to do that anymore, but Thom Yorke certainly does:

2. The thought occurs to me that I’ve viewed dating and marriage as some sort of validation or justification, which is why it’s probably just as well that they haven’t really happened to me yet. God’s been protecting me [and some poor guy] from myself. I don’t have to be someone’s girlfriend or wife to be okay.

3. It’s also occurred to me that other people’s conflict has always sort of scared me because of that as well–I want relationships to be perfect so they can be my salvation from…something. I’m not entirely sure what, exactly. So it’s been helpful to watch my dating and married friends fight to love one another, no matter what, mostly because it shows me that it’s still worth fighting for.

4. Most of the time, I think, losing hope does not look like crushing darkness and despair. Most of the time it looks like not trying. Hope provides motion, or at the very least hope gets rid of passivity.


6. By the way, I’m loving y’all’s suggestions for what to do with my life. Of course, how do you know I’m not already a pirate and my months in DC were all just a ruse?

7. …I mean, what?

8. Hum. That’s all I’ve got. Love y’all.

options for what I can do with the rest of my life

(Disclaimer: I’m not saying all of these are good options. But they are options.)

1. Get a librarian gig somewhere.
2. Be a lifelong barista.
3. Join the circus.
4. Go to NYC and be an actor. (Which is really the same thing as #2, isn’t it?)
5. Save up some money and then take off on the road and live in motels and other people’s couches.
6. Open that combination mobile bookstore-pie truck I keep thinking about.
7. Convert to Catholicism and become a Benedictine nun.
8. Go get a second master’s degree and/or a PhD. (Maybe hold off on that until my already-existent loans are paid off…)
9. Marry a wealthy man.
10. Marry a farmer.
11. Become a professional blogger.
12. Become a webcomic artist.
13. Become a professional busker.
14. Go to culinary school.
15. Get a job that is none of the above, but which I cannot think of.
16. Work for a bookstore?
17. Be a camp counselor.

I’m also open to suggestions.

happy valentine’s day.

1. Seriously, it’s a saint’s feast day (again, in turn co-opted from the pagan Romans). A dude got beheaded. And we celebrate it by declaring our love and eating chocolate. What a weird holiday.

2. Also, I don’t really do chocolate. I mean, I’ll eat it, but it’s not something I’ll actively seek out. This makes me a weird girl, I know, but that’s probably the least of what makes me so. 😉

3. Thing I’ve been hashing out the last few days (and some of you may have seen this on Facebook): In evangelical discussions about gender, women are addressed as wives and mothers and occasionally daughters, but rarely as sisters. I don’t just mean in terms of terminology used; I mean, in discussions about women, it’s usually in terms of our roles as wives or mothers. Or it’s about what we can and cannot do in terms of church governance.

This is all well and good. What frustrates me, I think, is that we are rarely spoken to as ourselves, as fellow heirs in Christ Jesus, as His sisters. Not all of us are going to get married and have kids; not all of us are even thinking about being a deacon. I see all these gospel conferences that are mostly dominated by men, and while I genuinely love to see men stepping up and pressing into that, where is the female voice in the Reformed/gospel-driven/missional/whatever movement? Who is speaking to us as young women? How do we find balance between being silent and being dominating?

4. I don’t know exactly what this means, but my good memories are dominated by long conversations or by singing. I wonder what I’d do if I ever lost the ability to talk.

5. Also, seriously, what does a girl have to do to get y’all to say anything around here? (…Of course, that’s probably a sign that I am entirely too interested in getting blog comments, and that is sad on a number of levels.)

6. People’s reactions to Arcade Fire winning the Grammy for Album of the Year make me really happy that my friends all either know who Arcade Fire are already, or don’t care about the Grammys.

7. Somewhat related: I feel like people in our society who like thinking critically about things have to fight for their right to do so. This is a freaking problem.

8. I miss Austin.

9. Les Miserables is really good, but it’s also really freaking long. Also, it’s making me realize how little I know about French history.

I have been thinking too much again.

1. I’ve been very interested in the whole Egypt situation, so watching what happens in the next few years is going to hold my attention. Fascinating stuff.

2. I have a very difficult time allowing people to do nice things for me without feeling either insulted or like I’m in their debt. Not sure why this is.

3. This was my friend David E.’s Facebook status earlier this week: “Assertion: Christian men are afraid of their own sexuality. Discuss.” So. Discuss. [Also, Christian women are, too, but for different reasons.]

4. Fantastic quote from Makoto Fujimura: “We today have a language to celebrate waywardness, but we do not have a cultural language to bring people back home.” I’ve been pondering what that means, especially as someone who feels unsettled a lot. What does that kind of cultural language look like practically? Hospitality is part of it, I think, but what else?

5. Something I’ve been realizing this week: It’s okay for me to be emotional, but not to totally be ruled by my feelings. God doesn’t want me to be a stoic; He made me to feel things, but also to submit those feelings to His care. A lot of crazy things happened to me the past few months, and I think I’m just now allowing myself to emotionally react to them. While it’s a little difficult to work through, it’s definitely a good sign, because it means I’m not afraid to feel anymore. I do that. We are really complex and multifaceted creatures, and it gets a little interesting to let God be the Lord of all of it. [Well, He is Lord of all of it already; it’s more a matter of our reaction to it, I suppose.]

6. Related: I think a lot of times we mistake denial for surrender.

7. I hate admitting this, but I haven’t felt like reading much lately. I mean, I still like to read, and I’m in the middle of a few books, but it’s slow going, partially because I just don’t think about it. This is perhaps because my brain has just decided, okay, you need a break. Maybe. Or maybe it just means I’m becoming a lazy bum. 😉

8. I started working for Target/Starbucks again, and I have been having serious cravings for milk and cookies ever since, which is kind of terrible.

9. So, a question for you all: What is the most important thing in your life right now?

day dream.

Send a couple of my friends back to school.

Give a few churches their own building.

Organize that conference I want to organize about women, theology, and the kingdom of God.

Pay off my parents’ mortgage.

Send my mom to a really good clinic so she can figure out all her random health issues.

Set up accounts for my niece and nephews so they can go to college.

Pay off my student loans.

Cross quite a few things off my bucket list–but with other people, not alone.

Go back to school and get another degree…but not for a while. 🙂

Find a nonprofit that’s really struggling financially and be their benefactor.

Fund slavery abolition.

Here’s a list to make: If you somehow came into a large sum of money, what would you do with it? What does that say about you?

You’re still whispering in my ear:
“Breathe. Just keep breathing.”

You told me that just
as I felt as though all
my internal organs were being
torn out of my body
by your hands
hands I never got to hold

And for a time I had
to will myself to inhale
and exhale
to keep going
out of the fear of God
but also
because I could not bear
to break your heart again

And now
i am okay
I am learning to leave
my hands and my heart unclosed

But I still hear you

And it makes my chest
tighten like it did so long ago

Because all it does is remind me
how much you loved me

And how much I still love you