1. So much for that little experiment, hey? I forgot one day and then the whole “write about what makes me happy” thing felt a little narcissistic, even for something as self-centered by nature as blogging, so that was the end of that. I did get what looks like a really good chocolate pudding recipe out of it, so I suppose all is not lost.

2. On Sunday, we didn’t have bread for communion. And so I didn’t take communion. I’m not really superstitious or anything, but I have felt off-kilter all week, and I’m blaming that.

3. I’ve become a lot more sacramental the older I get. Not that I think the bread and wine literally turn into the body and blood, or that baptism saves you–I’m still pretty stoutly Calvinist, after all–but even though in those moments it doesn’t necessarily feel like anything’s going on except my chewing, Jesus shows up and feeds my soul there. It’s the renewal of the covenant He made with me in the waters of my baptism; it’s the meeting of my literal body with His symbolic one, both in the bread and in the flesh-and-blood of His people who break Him right alongside me. One day, I will get to touch Him for real.

4. This is new: I’m becoming increasingly okay with the idea of not ever getting married, or at least not getting married for a long time. I’m not sure where this came from, but if I remain “a bachelor[ette] until the rapture”, as my friend Ephrem puts it, it’s not going to kill me, at least. Do I want to get married still? Yes. Still waiting for a man to feel the same way, and feel it about me, and do something about it. But I’m learning, slowly, to embrace the gift that singleness is, the looseness and mobility it provides me, and the way it’s whittling away at my self-centeredness by making me love Jesus more. And if He is the only Bridegroom I have, He will be enough.

Besides (and I hate admitting this), half the time I feel that I’m in no fit state to be anyone’s wife. (I barely feel like a decent friend, much less anyone’s partner for life.) But from what my married friends have told me, I don’t think that goes away after getting married. So, singleness is rough, marriage is rough, and we all get to watch one another work through them.

5. I’ve been reading and thinking a lot about Dietrich Bonhoeffer, the German pastor and theologian who was executed after being involved in an assassination attempt on Hitler. He’s a fascinating character–I’d love to write a movie about him–but his conviction and his fire have me feeling rather convicted about my own lack of conviction.

6. I just started following the blog of a fellow called Preston Yancey, who just graduated from my alma mater and is heading to the University of St. Andrew’s in the fall. He has the life I kind of want, and the talent, and makes me envious beyond all measure, but he’s a lovely writer and artist and has some good things to say. Looking forward to reading the book he’s writing (no, seriously, he has a book deal already).


2 thoughts on “well.

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