“No, you cannot love in moderation…”

1. Beginning to let go of my long embrace of a darkness that I used to love because I thought it made me holy, instead of seeing that it made me both miserable and unloving.

2. For a brief moment in time I thought about being a midwife, but then decided I didn’t want to deal with medical things, especially when it came to the bringing forth of a life. These days, I want to be a counselor, which I guess involves a weird midwifery of the soul–the healing of lives is sometimes gentle, sometimes violent, often pretty painful. It took a large team to help fix me.

3. Some days I wonder whether or not I’ll ever get married, and if I get married if I’ll ever have kids (I have some health things that make that a question), or if I should adopt. Sometimes I listen to the voice that says, “Who would want you?” And then sometimes I remember, and answer, “Jesus does. The people that love me despite my sin do.”

4. From the sermon this morning, a line that cut me to the heart: “Love does not fear the lack of reciprocation.” Why? Because it already has found its fulfillment in a greater love. I want to love like this.

5. And I look sometimes at my love and how shallow and closed-minded it is, but also at how much bigger it is than it used to because, because it’s a little bit braver. Take courage, Christian, you will one day shine like the stars.

6. I’ve been thinking about the sea, thanks to last night’s devotion, and how the sea is often used as a metaphor for chaos and destruction, and how Jesus drowned in that sea in order to pull us up out of it. The writer of Psalm 69 says that the waters have come up to his neck, and that’s often true. But because of Jesus, we will not drown in them. The waves will not overcome us; the sea of chaos will one day be replaced with the glory of the Lord.

7. That’s all I have. Good night.

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