so anyway

If we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another… 1 John 1:7

This is a really long post, but this is me trying to walk in the light…

So I have known for a while (like 7-8 years) that I am attracted to both men and women. On a scale of 1-10, where 1 is completely heterosexual and 10 is completely homosexual, I’d put myself at maybe a 4 or 5.

That being said, I am by conscience and conviction committed to the teaching that sex is for married opposite-sex couples. So then, I am also committed to remain celibate until I marry a man, I die, or Jesus comes back, whichever comes first; romantic and/or sexual relationships with women are off the table for me.

But neither do I believe that I must somehow become straight to be part of the kingdom of God. While I believe God could change my sexual orientation if He wanted to, experience has shown me that for some reason He’s chosen not to, and wisdom and theology have shown me that even if He did it wouldn’t be because I think my way out of it. (Or fast or pray or straight-marry my way out of it, for that matter.) I am grateful for good teachers and for a community, both online and offline, that has helped me think and feel my way through these matters.

I say all this not for your pity or for your praise. I say this because I need the prayer and support of people who love me, and this is one of the (many!) things I need prayer and support in. I don’t feel any particular shame or self-hatred about this (and, like, I’m an enneagram 4, shame is kind of my deal). It’s not all-consuming, it’s not central to my identity, it’s just kind of humming along in the background. It’s present, it’s something I’ve gotta deal with, it’s a thing in my life that affects how I exist in the world, but not the thing.

I also realize that many of you will take issue with me about either the bisexuality part or the no sex with women part, for a multitude of reasons, and I can respect that. I do hope that we can disagree with not just respect but with actual affection and compassion for one another. I hope we can disagree with humility, love, and openness toward each other. That is a hard thing to do, especially about this subject, but I believe most of you reading this are good-faith actors. That being said, life is too short and I’m not going to waste my time dealing with someone who is committed to hating or misunderstanding me on purpose.

To my queer/SSA siblings in the faith, whatever road we are on, let us keep pointing each other toward Jesus and how our sexuality can honor Him and His kingdom. To my straight siblings, I hope you can take time and listen to the rest of us without judgment or fear. Let us all seek to walk in love and holiness and not in fear or anger or shame.

tl;dr I’m bi, I’m more or less Side B, feel free to ask questions but don’t be mean to me about it or we’re going to have problems

Q&A

Q: How do you know you’re bi?

A: I mean, how do you know you’re [insert your sexual orientation] here? I do realize bisexuality is weird for people because for a lot of folks, attraction to one sex is mutually exclusive of attraction to others. But it’s possible for it not to be, obviously. (Funnily enough, most people who identify as LGBTQIA identify as somewhere on the bi spectrum–granted, some might be people who are actually exclusively gay but aren’t ready to admit that, but that’s not all of us.)

Q: How long have you known that you’re bi?

A: I didn’t really come out to myself until I was a whole adult(!), so I’m a bit of a late bloomer as far as these things go. (I kept trying to convince myself it was just an oddity and I could do stuff to make it go away, which has obviously not worked.) In hindsight, though, I definitely had some crushes on other girls when I was as young as 12 or 13, I think, I just didn’t have the vocabulary or framework to be able to know or say that, plus I had to process a lot of other stuff in my life before I was able to process that. And some members of my family have said a lot of homophobic things in the past, so I don’t think at that time I had a safe place to process those feelings, either.

Q: Why not pursue a relationship with a woman?

A: I believe that same-sex sexual relationships aren’t blessed by God and to be in would an act of disobedience to Christ. Like, not just because of the so-called clobber texts, I mean the whole orientation (ha) of the Bible with regard to gender, sex, and sexuality. I respect that many of my fellow Christians come to different conclusions, and also we can’t force people into this choice without doing significant damage to them (and to ourselves, frankly). But yeah, I don’t believe that this is an arbitrary mandate on God’s part—there’s a whole theological framework that underlies it.

Q: How has your church reacted to this? Do they know?

A: I’ve had good conversations with several folks in leadership in my church about it and they’ve actually been really cool about it. There’s been a posture of curiosity and support instead of condemnation, and it’s been so helpful. I still get to lead worship, I still get to serve in other ways, and most importantly, I haven’t been asked to leave or met with disgust. (I have heard the horror stories others have experienced, and it is awful that that has happened to them. I recognize I’m one of the lucky ones.)

I’m still not out to a lot of folks in the church as a whole, mostly just out of recognition that you don’t have to be vulnerable to the same degree with everyone, but I have said if anyone else wants to talk about it with someone leadership can send them my way. I know there are other queer/same-sex attracted adults (I don’t know who they are, though–but that’s another good sign, it means no one’s outed them to me), and, I mean, statistically speaking in like 5-10 years some kids in my church are going to come out and I want to make sure those kids are okay, too.

Q: Why are you comfortable using the terms “bisexual” or “queer” to describe yourself?

A: First of all, “I’m attracted to both men and women” is clunky and “bisexual” is just shorthand for that, at least how I use it. Some conservative Christians think that using descriptors like “queer” or “gay” or “bisexual” or what have you means you’re primarily identifying yourself by your sin, which I think is a weird way to frame it. Your central identity can be in Christ and there can still be all kinds of ways that you identify. If I can use some big philosophical terms, when I say that I’m bi or queer, I mean it in a phenomenological/experiential way, not an ontological/teleological way.

There’s a guy I follow on Twitter named Grant Hartley who put up a really good thread on this very topic not long ago, and I would recommend that you check it out. I don’t fully mesh with all of it–I’m not really in the subculture, for example–but I think it might provide some clarity.

Q: Why do you call yourself bisexual if you’re not pursuing romantic relationships with women?

A: Bisexuality doesn’t have to mean you’re pursuing or participating in romance/sex with both sexes—e.g., I could be married to a man and still be bisexual. (Lots of bi women are!) Bisexuality just means that you’re sexually attracted to both men and women, that’s it. Also, bisexuality is kind of a spectrum and my attractions fluctuate all the time, which apparently is common among bi folks.

Q: What can we do to love you in this?

A: Don’t be afraid to ask questions! Pray for me as I try to live in chastity and obedience! Go read and listen to some stuff! (I am a librarian, I will send you resources!) Watch how you think and talk about LGBTQIA people! (Learn what LGBTQIA means if you don’t already know!) Begin to be a good ally. You might mess up, but that’s okay. You’re a person, that’s kind of our whole deal. But learn from it. Be open to people’s stories.