right now: november 2024

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Making: a note of the fact that I have not blogged again since June even though I said I would probably be blogging more, sorry! (Not that anyone’s really reading this, I don’t think. :p) Also making plans for whatever may come in the next few years in a second Trump administration…

Cooking: this chicken, thanks to the Slack channel someone at my church recently started for trading recipes. There are a million ingredients, but it is mostly just assembly and it’s so good. Also made this chicken recently and it’s also delicious.

Drinking: the Ethiopian Yirgacheffe from Trader Joe’s, lots of water, and for some reason I’ve been on kind of a tea kick for a couple of weeks. Hot, iced, black, green, herbal, whatever. I’ve also been on a weird Sprite Zero Sugar sprint for a while as well.

Reading: I recently finished the novel James (it’s Huckleberry Finn, but from Jim’s perspective), and the book Collective Wisdom (a series of interviews done with women, mostly over the age of 50). I also recently read Ross Gay’s The Book of Delights and Aimee Nezukumatathil’s Bite By Bite, and so my current favorite thing is books of essays written by people who are normally poets. Right now I’m reading Mr. Gay’s The Book of (More) Delights, James Islington’s The Will of the Many (think the Roman empire, but with technomagic) and Lev Grossman’s The Bright Sword (what happens right after the death of King Arthur?).

Wanting: to pay more attention to people on the margins and to the church outside of America

Looking: at election postmortems, ways to constrain evil and do good, and at shutting down my Twitter account

Deciding: what to do for the holidays this fall and winter, plus what to do for my next birthday (I’ll be 40!)

Wishing: I could take a couple of weeks off of work to just watch movies and read books (and that that wouldn’t completely melt my brain), but then again that’s what that weird period between Christmas and New Year’s is for. Also wishing people would quit saying “God is on the throne” right now–like, God’s sovereignty does not negate our needing to sit with people’s grief and real concerns, and to lessen harm to vulnerable people as much as we can, and it comes across as spiritual bypassing, which is not great

Enjoying: the class I’m taking this semester–it’s called God’s World Mission and it’s very helpful in that it de-centers Western churches sending people and makes note of local movements and, frankly, people from Asia and Africa and South America sending missionaries to us. It’s less about what we typically think of as “mission work” and more about paying attention to what God is actually up to around the world already

Waiting: for whatever happens next. I don’t know what the country is going to look like in a year, or four years. I am very much trying not to catastrophize because that is not helpful. I am also trying to choose radical love right now.

Wondering: if over the next few years my white evangelical friends will choose to dismantle the status quo (in good directions) and to be uncomfortable for a while. Probably not, unfortunately.

Loving: the fact that one of my old coworkers is the manager at my regular library branch and that we get to talk shop whenever he and I are both there

Pondering: what the heck I’m going to wear to church tomorrow

Considering: that statistically at least one of my friend’s kids is not heterosexual and I don’t know if any of them are prepared for it, tbh

Buying: mostly just groceries–trying to keep my money tight this month so I can spend more money for the holidays

Watching: Agatha All Along (so good, especially episode 7)

Hoping: that the framework of our democracy is stronger than I think it is

Needing: to get up and drink more water, I think…

Smelling: the honeycrisp apple candle that I bought from Trader Joe’s

Wearing: pjs (blue shorts and a Ravenclaw Quidditch t-shirt)

Admiring: the work John and Hank Green and their many colleagues are doing right now at Complexly, DFTBA, and good.store

right now: june 2024

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Making: note of the fact that I haven’t blogged at all since my December wrap-up posts, and haven’t done of these since November, but you know, since Twitter (I shall not call it the other thing because it is stupid) is dying and I’m not really vibing with Threads, maybe I’ll come over here more often and thought-dump. Maybe. Or maybe I’ll just start a Substack like everyone else.

Cooking: this chicken (gift link)–I used thighs instead of breasts because they’re manifestly better and I always put a pack in my grocery cart anyway. If you make that, make some rice to go with it, maybe a green veggie too. But mostly it’s summer and I want to eat veggies and dip and fruit and turkey sandwiches, so not a ton of cooking right now.

Drinking: H-E-B brand bootleg Sprite Zero Sugar (I got a craving the other day and I have no idea why!), oodles of coffee. Haven’t been drinking enough water lately, which is stupid during Houstonian summer, but I will be better about it!

Reading: Marilynne Robinson’s new book Reading Genesis, off and on since March (oops). Just finished Leif Enger’s new one, I Cheerfully Refuse, and it’s more of a mood than a plot but I enjoyed it.

Wanting: to figure out a way to get myself to not just rot in bed for half a day on my days off, because I always end up feeling crappy at the end of the day when I do that.

Looking: at the schedule for ALA Annual next week, and, incidentally, things to do in downtown San Diego. (If you have suggestions, let me know!)

Playing: Wordle, Connections, the Mini Crossword, and Strands first thing every morning, just like everyone else.

Deciding: whether or not to go out to the middle of nowhere to watch the Perseid meteor shower in August

Wishing: I could afford to go to New York and watch Illinoise and Stereophonic and the ballroom Cats and then maybe swing over to Boston and see my friend Hannah, or that ALA were not at the same time as Revoice this year

Enjoying: not having class this summer, tbh

Waiting: for the real summer heat to come through Houston, unfortunately

Wondering: whether or not the SBC and PCA are going to exist in 20 years or if they’re going to be overrun by hyperconservatives; how my friends’ new baby is (she’s eight days old as of this writing and she’s so cute!)

Loving: hosting trivia again on Wednesday nights at a local restaurant–so much fun, and I already have regulars. Also, I shared this post on Instagram for the first day of Pride and everyone who responded was really sweet about it, so I’m loving the fact that my friends were chill and not weird about it

Pondering: whether or not to watch The Bikeriders at some point in the next week or so; the life and work of the late great Donald Sutherland (RIP)

Considering: that I need to re-hang my blackout curtains because they just FELL OFF OF THE WALL LAST NIGHT; that today is the solstice and so now the daylight hours start gradually getting shorter until we get into fall and winter

Buying: some random stuff–new jeans, a candle that smells like champagne (kind of), a new Nalgene because mine randomly got lost somewhere

Watching: the Star Wars movies in story-chronological order as part of what I’m calling Summer of Star Wars–this weekend will be Solo, hooray. I’m also on-and-off watching The Bear in small doses because that show is intense.

Hoping: that I actually get some stuff done at work tomorrow and at home this weekend, sheesh

Needing: to get up and drink more water, I think…

Smelling: the soap that I’ve been using lately–I got it at a Favorite Things party last December and it smells very fresh and clean and beachy

Wearing: pink pants and a gray t-shirt; was wearing my rainbow checkered Vans laceups before I walked into my apartment

Admiring: the sunset, and now my ability to finish a blog post for once, dang it

2023: 30 things.

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  1. Well, my mom died just hours before the year started, so I guess we can include that here, especially since I’ve been living in its shadow all year. It was both sudden and not. My brother and I both got little mini urns of her ashes and I keep mine in the center console of my car so she goes with me places, which I guess is what she always wanted anyway. I have a specific memory on New Year’s Day of getting an ice cream cone at Jeni’s and sitting in the parking lot and ugly crying while eating it, which I realize is kind of an unhinged thing to do, but then again so is grief.
  2. Honestly, though, most of what I remember of the first part of the year is how kind people were to me and my family, even while I was trying to sort out all of my complex emotions and not really knowing what I wanted or needed, and navigating the grief of not just my mom’s death, but everything we’d lost over the course of her deteriorating mental and physical health. There are conversations we needed to have that we’re not going to get to have, at least not yet. But when we get to have them we’ll literally be in a place where we’ll be able to unpack things together without it turning sour, so there’s something to look forward to.
  3. I drove to New Orleans for my birthday weekend and spent most of it asleep, which I honestly kind of needed? But also: Great b&b, the Southern Food & Beverage Museum, walking around the Lower Garden District, several excellent sandwiches, Baldwin & Co., and a lot of coffee from the place across the street from my b&b
  4. Went on the first date I’ve had in literally more than a decade, and it was not great for either one of us, tbh
  5. Finding out Hank Green had cancer on the same day that Tim Keller died was wild
  6. I went to a conference in Los Angeles with a bunch of my colleagues (very niche librarian stuff) and that was actually fun, aside from me losing my keys while I was there (yikes). Also got to see The Last Bookstore, the central location of the public library, and the contemporary art museum
  7. My niece, nephew, niece-in-law, and grandnephew all came down in July and it was really cool to hang out with all of them
  8. Twitter (I refuse to call it the other thing) disintegrating and most of my people switching over to Threads. I haven’t abandoned ship yet, but I’m seriously considering it
  9. I worked on election night collecting equipment from all the polling places–I was old enough to be some of my colleagues’ mother, so that was an interesting time
  10. Someone I was internet acquaintances with died from suicide in March, and a bunch of us were all just sad and pissed off about it for weeks. (I think we all still kind of are.)
  11. Went to see Beth Moore and Russell Moore speak in The Woodlands, got a bonus meetup with my friend Sam and my friend Ashley!
  12. The girls in my small group (plus one of their babies) went on a little weekend trip to Galveston
  13. Also, they got me flowers on Mother’s Day *sobs*
  14. Literally started ugly crying during Ke Huy Quan and Michelle Yeoh’s acceptance speeches at the Oscars, omg
  15. Musicals at the Hobby Center: Jesus Christ Superstar, Moulin Rouge, To Kill a Mockingbird (not a musical, but part of the season), Ain’t Too Proud, MJ
  16. The coronation of Charles III (and having a conversation via Twitter DM about Korean coronations)
  17. Nashville: Liturgy Collective, Jason Isbell & the 400 Unit at the Ryman(!), meeting new folks, not eating any hot chicken until the airport waiting for my flight home. Overall a great experience, and please someone come with me next year
  18. Seeing Barbie with two different sets of friends and The Little Mermaid with some of the same crew
  19. My friends David and Nicole went to her sister’s wedding in Austin and had a little free time in between stuff, so we met in the middle at a coffee shop and hung out for a while–always, always good to see those folks, and I wish we all lived in the same place
  20. My dad and I did a quick trip up to DC for Thanksgiving to hang out with my brother and his people, which was chaotic but still a lot of fun
  21. Classes: Ancient and Medieval Church History (so rad) and Apologetics and Outreach (also rad!). Both cures for a lot of what ailed me this year, and I got to meet my church history prof at Liturgy Collective
  22. I joined entirely too many committees at work
  23. My friend Anna took a gap year to go and travel, and she was at L’Abri for the fall (while I was learning about Francis and Edith Schaeffer during class…)
  24. Oh, yeah, my church hired a new pastor! He and his family are great and they’ve been a breath of fresh air
  25. Speaking of church, there’s a coffee place nearby that I never went to before this year and then once I did I spent an inordinate amount of time there–I’ve run into multiple people I know there, which has been fun
  26. A couple of my friends from church work for a nonprofit that holds an art auction every year–this was the first time I got to go and it was a lot of fun (and I got a piece! I still need to hang it up)
  27. I got introduced to a local secondhand/vintage shop and its owner, and they’re both great–she does Instagram Lives on Monday nights with sales on certain items and it’s always a blast, even if just for the banter
  28. I lost a couple of team members at work (one to another department, one to another job) and hired a new one that just started a couple of weeks ago, so lots of change happening there
  29. I finally got brave enough to publish this after sitting on it for two years
  30. It’s been such a weird year in so many ways, but most of what has held me down has been the kindness of both God and other people. Here’s to 2024.

2023 movie list

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A new feature as I’m starting to get more into movies. Here’s everything I watched, and where. Asterisk means it’s a movie I’ve watched before this year. Links are to the Letterboxd page. (Speaking of Letterboxd, follow me over there!)

total: 32 unique films

watched at home: 12

watched in a theater: 19

rewatches: 5

top 10, in no particular order: Song of the Sea, The Holdovers, Killers of the Flower Moon, Barbie, When Harry Met Sally, Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3, Mutant Mayhem, Asteroid City, Won’t You Be My Neighbor, The Banshees of Inisherin

2023 reading list

thelivingroomLeave a comment

Here’s everything I read this year, plus statistics. Links are to Bookshop (but as always, do what’s best for your conscience and financial situation). An asterisk means it’s a re-read.

total: 40

fiction: 9

nonfiction: 28

graphic novels/memoirs/comics: 1

poetry: 2

e-books: 18

library books: 22

re-reads: 3

books read for class: 5

books written by women: 21

books written by BIPOC authors: 12

most read author: Clint Smith, with 2

top 10 (in no particular order):  Hello Beautiful, All My Knotted-Up Life, The Library Book, How to Stay Married, How to Inhabit Time, How the Word is Passed, Trick Mirror, Killers of the Flower Moon, Dinosaurs, The Storied Life of A.J. Fikry

right now: november 2023

thelivingroom1 Comment

Making: Lists of stuff to do and buy and watch and listen to before the end of the year!

Cooking: A lot of soup–Roberto and this chicken-lentil situation from BA and the ground beef-mixed veggie-tomato situation my family always makes the first day it’s kind of cool outside. Also made these cookies the other day and they’re really good, although the unbaked dough is actually better (isn’t it always, though).

Drinking: Coffee, water, the spiced apple flavor of Waterloo, lots of tea

Reading:  Urban Apologetics (for class); How the Word is Passed and The Liturgy of Politics (for non-academic enrichment). I also recently read A Court of Thorns and Roses and, well, I get the hype.

Wanting: The semester to be over and winter recess at work to get here (loads to do before both of those things happen, though!)

Looking: At my budget and saving plan

Deciding: What to get for folks for Christmas

Listening: To too many podcasts, yikes, and all of the Advent and Christmas music (link to your playlists in the comments!)

Buying: Not a lot for myself right now (see also: Christmas presents, but also I need to get my car’s suspension fixed soon…)

Smelling: The cinnamon vanilla tea I made

Watching: My Liked Videos playlist on YouTube

Wearing: All my sweats and joggers and fuzzy socks (welcome to late autumn in southeast Texas)

Noticing: My sleep cycle this week has been completely out of whack and now my brain feels like cotton balls

on the first all saints’ day after my mother’s death

thelivingroom1 Comment 
my mom was--was, the weight that word contains now--
my mom was so southern baptist she married a
boy from youth group, a boy that's now alone with
their dog in the house they built,

so she'd probably hate that i observe this day,
hate that i'm thinking about going to a church
that's not mine so i can think about her
and her parents hanging out with Jesus in glory,

with people whose books i read
that she's never even thought about--
chilling with benedict of nursia and clare of assisi
waiting for the final resurrection.

maybe she and monica of hippo are
talking about the wayward sons they prayed
back to the straight paths; maybe she talks to
professor lewis about how narnia shaped

her daughter's imagination.
and maybe she waits for all the rest of us
to come walking through the gates,
now all saints in glory ourselves.

so anyway

thelivingroom2 Comments

If we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another… 1 John 1:7

This is a really long post, but this is me trying to walk in the light…

So I have known for a while (like 7-8 years) that I am attracted to both men and women. On a scale of 1-10, where 1 is completely heterosexual and 10 is completely homosexual, I’d put myself at maybe a 4 or 5.

That being said, I am by conscience and conviction committed to the teaching that sex is for married opposite-sex couples. So then, I am also committed to remain celibate until I marry a man, I die, or Jesus comes back, whichever comes first; romantic and/or sexual relationships with women are off the table for me.

But neither do I believe that I must somehow become straight to be part of the kingdom of God. While I believe God could change my sexual orientation if He wanted to, experience has shown me that for some reason He’s chosen not to, and wisdom and theology have shown me that even if He did it wouldn’t be because I think my way out of it. (Or fast or pray or straight-marry my way out of it, for that matter.) I am grateful for good teachers and for a community, both online and offline, that has helped me think and feel my way through these matters.

I say all this not for your pity or for your praise. I say this because I need the prayer and support of people who love me, and this is one of the (many!) things I need prayer and support in. I don’t feel any particular shame or self-hatred about this (and, like, I’m an enneagram 4, shame is kind of my deal). It’s not all-consuming, it’s not central to my identity, it’s just kind of humming along in the background. It’s present, it’s something I’ve gotta deal with, it’s a thing in my life that affects how I exist in the world, but not the thing.

I also realize that many of you will take issue with me about either the bisexuality part or the no sex with women part, for a multitude of reasons, and I can respect that. I do hope that we can disagree with not just respect but with actual affection and compassion for one another. I hope we can disagree with humility, love, and openness toward each other. That is a hard thing to do, especially about this subject, but I believe most of you reading this are good-faith actors. That being said, life is too short and I’m not going to waste my time dealing with someone who is committed to hating or misunderstanding me on purpose.

To my queer/SSA siblings in the faith, whatever road we are on, let us keep pointing each other toward Jesus and how our sexuality can honor Him and His kingdom. To my straight siblings, I hope you can take time and listen to the rest of us without judgment or fear. Let us all seek to walk in love and holiness and not in fear or anger or shame.

tl;dr I’m bi, I’m more or less Side B, feel free to ask questions but don’t be mean to me about it or we’re going to have problems

Q&A

Q: How do you know you’re bi?

A: I mean, how do you know you’re [insert your sexual orientation] here? I do realize bisexuality is weird for people because for a lot of folks, attraction to one sex is mutually exclusive of attraction to others. But it’s possible for it not to be, obviously. (Funnily enough, most people who identify as LGBTQIA identify as somewhere on the bi spectrum–granted, some might be people who are actually exclusively gay but aren’t ready to admit that, but that’s not all of us.)

Q: How long have you known that you’re bi?

A: I didn’t really come out to myself until I was a whole adult(!), so I’m a bit of a late bloomer as far as these things go. (I kept trying to convince myself it was just an oddity and I could do stuff to make it go away, which has obviously not worked.) In hindsight, though, I definitely had some crushes on other girls when I was as young as 12 or 13, I think, I just didn’t have the vocabulary or framework to be able to know or say that, plus I had to process a lot of other stuff in my life before I was able to process that. And some members of my family have said a lot of homophobic things in the past, so I don’t think at that time I had a safe place to process those feelings, either.

Q: Why not pursue a relationship with a woman?

A: I believe that same-sex sexual relationships aren’t blessed by God and to be in would an act of disobedience to Christ. Like, not just because of the so-called clobber texts, I mean the whole orientation (ha) of the Bible with regard to gender, sex, and sexuality. I respect that many of my fellow Christians come to different conclusions, and also we can’t force people into this choice without doing significant damage to them (and to ourselves, frankly). But yeah, I don’t believe that this is an arbitrary mandate on God’s part—there’s a whole theological framework that underlies it.

Q: How has your church reacted to this? Do they know?

A: I’ve had good conversations with several folks in leadership in my church about it and they’ve actually been really cool about it. There’s been a posture of curiosity and support instead of condemnation, and it’s been so helpful. I still get to lead worship, I still get to serve in other ways, and most importantly, I haven’t been asked to leave or met with disgust. (I have heard the horror stories others have experienced, and it is awful that that has happened to them. I recognize I’m one of the lucky ones.)

I’m still not out to a lot of folks in the church as a whole, mostly just out of recognition that you don’t have to be vulnerable to the same degree with everyone, but I have said if anyone else wants to talk about it with someone leadership can send them my way. I know there are other queer/same-sex attracted adults (I don’t know who they are, though–but that’s another good sign, it means no one’s outed them to me), and, I mean, statistically speaking in like 5-10 years some kids in my church are going to come out and I want to make sure those kids are okay, too.

Q: Why are you comfortable using the terms “bisexual” or “queer” to describe yourself?

A: First of all, “I’m attracted to both men and women” is clunky and “bisexual” is just shorthand for that, at least how I use it. Some conservative Christians think that using descriptors like “queer” or “gay” or “bisexual” or what have you means you’re primarily identifying yourself by your sin, which I think is a weird way to frame it. Your central identity can be in Christ and there can still be all kinds of ways that you identify. If I can use some big philosophical terms, when I say that I’m bi or queer, I mean it in a phenomenological/experiential way, not an ontological/teleological way.

There’s a guy I follow on Twitter named Grant Hartley who put up a really good thread on this very topic not long ago, and I would recommend that you check it out. I don’t fully mesh with all of it–I’m not really in the subculture, for example–but I think it might provide some clarity.

Q: Why do you call yourself bisexual if you’re not pursuing romantic relationships with women?

A: Bisexuality doesn’t have to mean you’re pursuing or participating in romance/sex with both sexes—e.g., I could be married to a man and still be bisexual. (Lots of bi women are!) Bisexuality just means that you’re sexually attracted to both men and women, that’s it. Also, bisexuality is kind of a spectrum and my attractions fluctuate all the time, which apparently is common among bi folks.

Q: What can we do to love you in this?

A: Don’t be afraid to ask questions! Pray for me as I try to live in chastity and obedience! Go read and listen to some stuff! (I am a librarian, I will send you resources!) Watch how you think and talk about LGBTQIA people! (Learn what LGBTQIA means if you don’t already know!) Begin to be a good ally. You might mess up, but that’s okay. You’re a person, that’s kind of our whole deal. But learn from it. Be open to people’s stories.

right now, after a long hiatus: september 2023

thelivingroomLeave a comment

Making: plans to start blogging more, because I have found that social media, or at least the product formerly known as Twitter and all its clones, has shaped me in ways that i don’t enjoy

Cooking: pork shoulder in the Instant Pot, chicken thighs and veggies–making some plans to make japchae for Chuseok next weekend as well

Drinking: the H-E-B brand Coke Zero knockoff, lots of water

Reading: Enchantment (for fun), Apologetics at the Cross (for class)

Wanting: a good cold front to come through soon (unlikely, unfortunately, but a girl can dream)

Looking: forward to a trip I’m taking to Nashville next month; for a place that’ll repair my car’s rear suspension (apparently I went over a curb and effed it up…)

Deciding: what to do for a project for class

Listening: to the new Hozier, the latest Jason Isbell & the 400 Unit, the new Porter’s Gate

Buying: a few new clothing items for fall–I bought a shirt from a local resale shop that I’m looking forward to wearing once it gets a little cooler outside, plus a new flannel and some new jeans

Smelling: this honey-scented candle I liked at a friend’s house enough for her to say “take it and get it out of my house” (I think it’s from the Dollar Spot at Target?)

Watching: my “liked videos” list on YouTube; thinking about rewatching season 1 of Loki to prep for the upcoming season 2

Wearing: gray knit faux-wrap dress, some red leather tassel earrings I got from Noonday Collection some years ago, black Rothys dupes from Old Navy

Noticing: it’s Bi Visibility Month, and so here I am making my bisexuality a little more visible (perhaps more on this soon)